John Loftus has made an underworldly discovery. He’s outed the Devil. According to Loftus, Jeff Lowder is nothing less than Satan incognito.
Unfortunately, the only way we could scientifically confirm Loftus’s hunch is by obtaining a DNA sample from Jeff, a DNA sample from Mia Farrow, then compare them.
Absent that, we have to settle for circumstantial evidence. Since I personally know Jeff, this naturally makes me think back on whether I missed some tell-pointytail clues during our student days. Offhand, I don’t recall Jeff whistling tunes from Gounod’s Faust under his breath. And I never saw Jeff sporting that ultra-Goth Hellboy look.
If you told me at the time that his Infernal Majesty was impersonating somebody at Seattle Pacific University, my first thought would have been one of the religion profs. in the School of Theology. Bob Wall and Frank Spina would make two promising candidates. Eugene Peterson might be another prime suspect. His Father Christmas appearance would certainly catch the unwary off guard.
On the other hand, Josef von Sternberg thought the Devil was a woman. However, Jeff doesn’t look at all like Marlene Dietrich.
If he is Satan, I must say that Jeff is very well preserved for his age. Like those centenarian vampires who repeat high school chemistry for the 120th time.
But if Jeff really is Satanic, then the Archfiend is quite the underachiever. In fairness, the Secular Web has doubtless made a diabolical contribution to the fortunes of the dark side. Still, if you had the Devil’s worldly resources at your disposal, wouldn’t you aim a little higher? At least be mayor of New York?
Finally, if Loftus is wrong, then he’s a marked man. His Infernal Majesty doesn’t appreciate anyone else taking the credit for his deviltry. Satan is not the kind of guy who likes to play second fiddle. Definitely not a team player. Indeed, that’s what got him kicked out of heaven in the first place.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Loftus begins to experience unusual happenings, like pianos falling from third-story windows as he’s strolling down the sidewalk.